Tuesday, July 10, 2012

NASCAR's Bobcat Box



My Dad and I were sitting around one day working on a topic for his radio show while we were watching a baseball game on television. 

We began to talk about how long and boring sports in general can be, and decided right then and there that we were going to help the world out and come up with some new rules for major sporting events.

We allowed our minds to wander at will.   Anything goes so to speak!

Since baseball was right there before us we began there.

First we decided the game was too long so we put a fifteen second time limit on anyone holding the ball. The pitcher has fifteen seconds to pitch the ball whenever the catcher throws it to him, and if the batter steps out of the batter’s box after the pitcher has the ball to stall it would be a half strike.  If it happened two times he would get a full strike.  If the pitcher does not pitch the ball in his fifteen seconds the batter can go to first, which should help the speed.

Finally, after the batter has hit the ball the only way to get him out is to hit him with the ball. 

Yep!  You throw the ball and hit him anywhere on his body to get him out. There is a catch, however, the batter is allowed to take his bat with him and when you throw at him he is allowed to hit the ball right back at you.

Face it there’s not a more boring sport on earth than soccer.  I can’t figure out for the life of me how a two to one game can be described as a wild scoring affair, so the only rule we could come up with was you’re allowed to bite.

That ought to shake things up a little!

Basketball was stumped us a little, but we did come up with a couple of things. The slam dunk has become too easy for these guys, so you make a slam dunk worth one point that will bring out the shooters. We also talked about doing away with the shooting at all and putting the goal in the floor, and of course, just like soccer – you’re allowed to bite.

Hockey was easy to improve.  In order to keep the players on their toes the puck would need to be white. We also decided penalties were too easy.   What’s so hard about being put into a box for five minutes to take a rest?  What’s up with that?

On your first penalty players can have a foot cut off you’re their stick.  The process will continue until all you have is the little paddle thing at the end. Then if you mess up one more time you have to give up one of your skates. Players would also be allowed to bite, but we were thinking that may already be in the rule books.

The Olympics could be helped by combining a few sports.  For example downhill boxing, cross country Greco-Roman wrestling, synchronized pole vaulting in groups of three, and  water polo on horseback. The list could go on and on, but you get the idea.

I bet you’re coming up with some right now, right? 

I saved the best for last, and this had nothing to do with my Dad because we weren’t real fans of NASCAR, but if they would just use this next idea I would never miss a race.

I don’t remember exactly how this all came about and I may not have all the details exactly right but here goes. Two of my buddies – Big Ed and Sam were talking with me about how to make NASCAR more fun to watch because pretty much all you are doing is watching people go fast and turn left and every once in a while you get to see someone hit someone else or the wall. 

There really is no suspense.

We fixed that with the Bobcat Box.

What’s a Bobcat Box?

Well it is the greatest sports enhancing tool ever!

Every car racing for NASCAR has a 3X3X3 foot box placed behind the driver’s seat. The box can only be opened by a remote device located somewhere around the track. 

All of the drivers pick a number the night before the race to determine who will get the Bobcat that race. All of the cars will be left in an enclosed area one hour before the race so that the Bobcat wrangler can place the Bobcat in the proper car. Each car will be fitted with a speaker making Bobcat sounds so the driver will have no idea if he has the Bobcat for that race.

After the race starts the fun begins. Only one person knows when the button will be pushed and every car in the race will slow just a bit because the box behind the driver’s seat will fly open. But only one will have the Bobcat.

Keep in mind that a full grown Bobcat will weigh 30 to 35 pounds, and he will have been in this hot box for a couple of hours with lots of noise and movement.

When that box pops open the driver is going to have one pissed off cat all over him. I can hear the announcer now “It’s been a good clean race so far as the leaders are coming around turn two as they head into the…… Oh my….. Oh my….. Folks it looks like Jimmy Johnson has the Bobcat this week. 

He just slammed into the wall in turn three and is heading for the infield as full speed!

Look out folks - here comes Jimmy and the Bobcat!”

And biting is allowed but ONLY by the Bobcat.

I’m telling you…I would never miss a race!

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